When I was basically forced to watch this movie, flashbacks and comparisons to the terrifying 70's musical soft-core Alice in Wonderland were inevitable.  I was sure that with Cinderella, another irretrievable chunk of my sanity and stability would soon be parting ways with me, leaving me even less like the bright young thing I was before my first horrifying violation by a classic porno-musical.

I was amazed (indeed, dumbfounded) to find that this movie started off being, well, weird, moved quickly through not-bad and kinda-cool, and ended up as one of the highlights of my porn watching this year.

The movie begins with the late B-movie/soft-core vet Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith as the title character, furiously cleaning a medieval kitchen, harangued all the while by the disembodied voice of her wicked Stepmother (Jennifer Doyle).  Enter her coke-snorting evil stepsisters Drucella (Yana Nirvana) and Marbella (Marilyn Corwin), who berate her for "tattling" on them, strip randomly, and retreat.  Cinderella then breaks into a fairly decent musical number, dancing around as her tits flop out of her dress.  From upstairs, the sisters command her to start the spinning wheel, which apparently powers their corncob dildos.  And then they masturbate together.  Um, eww.

Cut to the chambers of The Prince (Brett Smiley), who launches into a particularly awesome song about how no woman can get him to cum.  During the duration of the song, he is draped by nude, nubile royal subjects, who for all their licking and sucking, still can't unleash the beast.  There is only one logical solution to his age-old problem: hold a Grand "Ball."  What better way to get off than through a government-sanctioned orgy?  I sure can't think of one.  The clumsy court Chamberlain is sent out into the world as the Royal Envoy; his duty is to personally deliver invitations to all the naked and massively-bushed ladies of the land.  There seems to be a lot of sibling-fucking going on in this kingdom; every invitee is either presently sucking on her sister's nipple, is about to, or clearly has done so recently.  One set of sisters/lovers allows the Chamberlain to join in their fun, and some good natured 3-way rubbing and grinding ensues, with a little doggy style and a bearskin rug tossed in, just for kicks.  He makes his way to Cinderella's house, where he drops off the invitations and loses his horse.  After some singing, and random humiliation for Cinderella, hideous clothing for the rest, the evil family is off to the Ball, leaving poor Cinderella home to take a nap.  Subsequently, we are made to watch one of the most confusing and disturbing dream sequences I've seen in a long while.  I won't divulge the uncomfortable details for you, but I will say this: crotch popcorn.

We are saved from further dreaming by shouts of "Thief!" and shots of a man in gypsy drag fleeing his pursuers.  Through the front door comes...Fairy Godmother! (Sy Richardson)  A marvel of homolicious splendiosity, Fairy Godmother gifts our Cinderella with all the accoutrements of a proper Ball-going slut, and gives her the greatest gift of all: a snappin' pussy.  The tighter the beaver, the better the bite, you know.  More singing, aaaaaaaand we're off to the Ball!

The party seems pretty rockin'  Most of the revelers have forgotten to put on either their tops or bottoms, although some have foregone clothes altogether in favor of lingerie and copious amounts of snatch-hair.  We are also treated to a disco line-dance (a clear point of inspiration for the makers of A Knight's Tale), lots of boobs, more singing, and finally, finally, a roomful of naked skanks, all of whom must fuck a blindfolded Prince.  The one who makes him cum will be his new bride!  He fucks and fucks, girl after girl, but none of them have any impact.  Last in line is Cinderella.  Will she have any more luck?  Well, thanks to her Fairy Godmother, her snappin' pussy sucks all the pent-up semen out of his tiny body, and certainly makes some interesting sounds as it does.  Alas, their love seems doomed; the proverbial midnight strikes, and she must flee the Ball, leaving only a plastic platform wedge as a clue to her identity.  We are also treated to one of the finest songs about a magical vagina yet recorded by humankind: "The Snapper."  I bow down before the song's ultimate awesomeness!

With only one lonely shoe and a memory of a cunt to go on, poor Prince must hump his way across the nation in order to find his one true fuckbuddy.  Will he be able to find her?  Will the pussy fit?  Will Prince ever cum again?  These questions, and possibly three others, can only be answered by watching Cinderella!


In summation:
So, realistically, nobody is going to watch a movie like this for the sex, as this kind of simulated fuckery just doesn't hold up well over time. But I encourage you to seek it out based on its other merits.  There are some honestly funny moments, really well crafted songs, lively performances, and a sense of fun that can't be beat.  Part of the reason this film succeeds (where similar films of the genre fail) is that many of the players were either serious musicians or legitimate actors.  Director Michael Pataki is a successful character actor and voiceover artist, writer Charles Perrault took his Cinderella obsession so far as to pen 1998's Ever After (and several other versions of the tale), Cheryl Smith was a member of the seminal girl-punk band The Runaways, Brett Smiley is a fairly well-regarded glam rocker, and Sy Richardson is a still-working actor whom you may recognize from his current role as "The Coroner" on Pushing Daisies. 

I'm a little sad that movies like this don't get made anymore, and I wish there was a way to bring  humor, youth, playfulness  and innocence back into the industry.  Sadly, those days seem long gone, but on a brighter note, with them go such unfortunate contributions as the  pornstache, the monsterbeaver and the frightening dream sequences, and I never miss those at all.  Well, maybe the pornstache, but only a little

Interested in seeing this movie?