Camp Cuddly Pines

Stormy Daniels, Jessica Drake, Voodoo, Tommy Gunn and Eric Masterson are college students on their way to a Metallicide concert in a Scooby Doo like van.  Exchange the Mystery Machine paint for an excess of splattered bugs and put their hippie effects inside the van and you will get the full effect.  I have no idea where they are going to college or where this Metallicide concert is but they are driving down a desert road who knows where.  In the back of the van Stormy is complaining it's hot and Voodoo, who is driving, tells her that the AC is broken and no one will mind if she gets naked.  Stormy is kind of airheaded in this movie and doesn't seem to put two and two together and realize that it's getting hot because Tommy is all over her.  Eric, who is the fifth wheel through most of this movie, is recording everything on his video camera.  Life is his documentary.  Naturally sex breaks out in the back of the van and it's not long before Jessica and Voodoo join Tommy and Stormy while Eric records everything, Tommy and Stormy, Voodoo and Jessica, Tommy and Jessica, Voodoo and Stormy...

And the thousand dollar question is asked: Who's driving the van?

Voodoo explains, "I put it on cruise control."

Idiot.  At this moment, as Voodoo is jumping back behind the wheel, something green hits the windshield with a thud.

What was that?  Ideas are tossed around.

Maybe it was a homeless man, a deer, or a moose, a rock, or a tree stump.  They should back up and check.

Thud.  They hit it again.  They pull forward and hit it a third time.  Back up, hit it again.  Stormy says that maybe it's scampered off.  Jessica tells her moose don't scamper.  They now get out of the van and discover it's a homeless guy and he's dead.  What are they going to do?  A round of Rock, Paper, Scissors decides if they leave him in a ditch for the buzzards or take him into the next town to a hospital.  The winner is the buzzards and it's over ruled and the girls decide that he goes to the next town.  The dead body is packed into the van no one likes the smell.  The only thing worse than the smell of homeless drifter is dead homeless drifter.  Voodoo has the solution...he ties the dead guy to the roof.  And they are off once again.

As with every good horror film or episode of Scooby Doo, the van must break down at night, in the middle of nowhere, in some spooky woods.  Voodoo has no idea what is wrong with it.  Five people, five cell phones, no coverage, so they can't call for a tow truck.  Well, they could, the one person who has five bars (Eric) forgot to pay his bill so he has no service.  Does anyone notice anything odd about the van?  Wasn't there a dead body tied to it?

As captain of the badminton team, and the one with the most leadership experience, Voodoo decides that the best course of action would be to split up.  Idiot!  The girls will go look for a pay phone, in the woods, in the middle of nowhere, and he, Eric and Tommy, will go look for the body.  The girls come across Camp Cuddly Pines, the abandoned band camp and it's creepy caretaker played by Mike Horner.  They explain they are in search of a phone and he tells them there is no phone but he has a ham radio he can call the sheriff on.

Stormy: Why do you have a radio made out of ham?

Just to get a look from my husband I asked him the same thing.  I am lucky I didn't get smacked.  He just chose to ignore me.  However I am sure he had flashbacks of an old roommate we used to have that I am sure was retarded for many reasons.  Surprised he didn't start having seizures.

Stormy and Jessica spent some time around a camp fire with the creepy caretaker learning about the history of Camp Cuddly Pines and the horrors that surround it.  Seems that back in the 1950's sometime there was this girl, Kinzie Kenner, who was babysitting her brother.  After he went to bed she got on with banging her boyfriend, Scott Nails.  Well, they thought the boy was in bed but instead he got an eye full of of Kinzie and Scott going at it on the couch.  After Scott left the boy killed his sister with an electric knife.  Pretty cool, considering those things don't work for shit on turkeys like they were intended for.  The boy was put in a mental hospital.

What does that have to do with anything?  

The boy was adopted.

And?

As you can tell, Mike Horner doesn't tell stories really well.

Backing up even further we learn, by Mikes horrible storytelling skills, that the boy has one father and four mothers.  Well, that's what I got out of it anyway.  Manuel Ferrara was a doctor/intern/nurse/orderly/something at a womens mental hospital.  He went into this room to check on his charges and make notes when the crazy women, Rebecca Love, Rita Faltoyano, Taryn Thomas and Katja Kassin, attacked him.   By attack I mean they raped him.  He really didn't seem to mind though and really seemed to enjoy getting it on with the crazy women.  Lots of giggling, lots of squeeking, lots of repetitive crazy girl talk like "fuck the girls, fuck the girls" and "ride the pony, ride the pony, ride the pony".  There was plenty of Manuel to go around because all the mental patient girls were happy as hell with him and no one went psycho.  Wonder how many men have the fantasy of getting raped in a womens mental ward by four crazy chicks.  By the hot sex of this scene it should probably be the new fantasy on the top of every mans list.  Trust me on this one.  Especially when there is a cute as hell redhead involved like Katja Kassin.

Anyway, the boy that killed his step-sister with the electric knife that can't carve a turkey, was conceived in that room.  Unless Manuel was the one who got pregnant, and since he jacked off in the girls mouths, we have to assume some weird shit happened here and the boy had four mothers.  This is a horror film, this is porn, and Mike Horner has some horrible storytelling capabilities.

Moving on. 

Mike proceeds to tell how at 18 the boy was declared sane and let out into the world where he started killing people at Camp Cuddly Pines with chainsaws and drills and stuff.  Powertool fetish.  Much like What's-His-Name in Friday the 13th (he asked me to remove his name from this review, something about not wanting to be associated with such a second rate spoof on his character - his words, not mine) he was killing teenagers for having sex.  Kris Slater and Katie Morgan were no different.  Personally, I think he just got sick of watching people doing it in the same old over used porno movie positions.  

Stormy is freaked out.  Jessica doesn't believe him.  They go back to get the guys.  The guys have further split up, on the insane leadership idea of Voodoo.  Tommy heard a scream so Voodoo said he should go check it out.  On the way, Tommy ran into a Native American spirit guide in the form of Cherokee.  Confused as ever, since spirit guides were supposed to take the shape of animals and not hot Indian women, he proceeded to act like an idiot.  Cherokee looked at him "Do you know how long it's been since I have had a white mans dick or forked tongue in my ass?"  Last I checked Tommy didn't have a forked tongue so she's going to have to make due with with the white man's dick.  However I know where we can get the forked tongue.  I just don't know how Enigma or Lizard Man (performance artists) feels about doing porn.  I so need to quit reading tattoo magazines.  Cherokee makes herself solid where she can have her way with Tommy.  The magic of porn physics brings us a camp fire this time instead of sex toys.  So...it can do more.  I knew it!  After sex she turns into a rabid raccoon and strings Tommy's guts from one end of Camp Cuddly Pines to the other.  So, did he fuck a hot Native American Indian chick or a rabid raccoon?  Things that make you say hmmm....

Mike Horner raises the sheriff, played by one Randy Spears, on his ham radio.  I still want to know how he used an amateur radio to contact the sheriff on a CB.  Something about that isn't quite right.  I am not going to go into what that isn't quite right here, but just trust me when I say it's not quite right.  Randy is cheesed that he's been disturbed in giving Devon Michaels a hard time about jay walking in the woods by the caretaker because there are college kids up at Camp Cuddly Pines.  He will be there when he is done with police business.  This has to be some weird cop roll playing game.  Jay walking in the woods is a serious offense.  They can handle this the easy way or the hard way.  Which is it.

The hard way.

It always is.

Sex on the hood of the police car.  Yea, that's punishment Randy.  Keep up the good job keeping the woods safe from jay walkers.  That will teach them.  Yea.  That's the ticket.

Voodoo and Eric are now back in the van screaming like girly men when Jessica and Stormy find them.  Horner has told them they can use cabin three for the night and the girls take them back there.  Where's Tommy?  Out in the woods somewhere.  He went to investigate a scream.

Of course cabin three is freezing and Voodoo goes out for firewood.  In his search for firewood he runs into a zombie chick, played by his wife Nichole Sheridan, who has come out of a well.  She's coming on to him.  He tells her that he had no idea he was going to come across a weird creepy chick and he normally goes for cheerleaders but she can go for it.  It doesn't matter how bad or absurd Nichole is made to look in a movie he's always happy and ready to go.  It cracks me up.  I think he gets to live out some weird fantasies and fetishes that way.  "Oh cool!  Today is zombie day!  I can't wait!"  Afterward she tells him if he wants to live he has to join her in the well.  He tells her that was some awesome weird chick sex but now she is just being clingy.  Of course, he dies by a rather large power drill.

Stormy goes out looking for him, finds him dead, freaks out and comes across Randy Spears.  The sheriff has an attitude.  She tries to tell him Voodoo is dead in the woods.  Does she know where?  No, just in the woods.  The woods are awful big.  Randy isn't very sympathetic.  She tries to explain that they were on the way to see Metallicide, the van broke down and so forth.  Randy finishes the story about how they decided his woods would be a good place for them to do drugs and have a satanic ritual and so forth.  By the way, does she know anything about a drifter who was run over four times, bungee corded to the roof of a van that flew off and was left in a ditch for coyotes?

No.

She knees him in the nuts and runs off.

Meanwhile Jessica is getting it on with Eric.  No idea why.  I guess being cold makes her horny.   She finds out that geeks give good sex because they are busy ready the Kama Sutra and studying sex when they have nothing else to do.  Of course, Eric has to film it.  He has to film everything.  It's what he does.   This almost comes across as obligatory sex scene thrown in that makes no sense until we get to the next one.

As they are getting dressed there is a weird noise outside.  It's Randy.  Jessica runs off and Eric is interrogated.  Once again, Randy is kneed in the nuts and the escape is made.  Jessica's cell rings.  First time she actually gets coverage.  It's the killer.  She's the next to bite it.

Stormy runs into Eric.  She's distressed and needs comforting.  Comforting means sex.  They are being chased by a deranged killer with power tools and she wants sex in the middle of the woods.  Cue the short and out of place sex scene with the geek.  They then return to cabin 3 because Eric forgot his camera and we see Randy getting attacked by the rabid raccoon.  Camera in hand we have a plot twist. 

Once again, I am not going to get yelled at for giving away an ending, and it's a very odd ending, and there is another sex scene after the plot twist.  It wasn't the best of sex scenes and was between Eric Masterson and Keri Sable who I really don't think is all that good looking as far as porn starlets go.  Jessica Drake looked weird with dark hair and it took a while to get used to, it also took me a few minutes to figure out who she was.  Voodoo was funny as hell.  Never did figure out if Mike Horner was the deranged killer, I think he was, although I am still not 100% sure.  The best part, my husband was still laughing about this movie when he got up for work this morning.  That doesn't happen to often.  It's defiantly a keeper.

Interested in seeing this movie?