The first thing I notice (well, besides the one blond fucking another blond with a strap-on, on the back cover collage of pink pussies and tongues) is the front cover: one blond nestled close up behind another, topless blond and squeezing her tits.

That's not what actually draws my attention, though, sadly.  No, not the boobies.  Freak that I am, I notice the squeezer's manicure.  Buffed, nude-colored nails with black tips for an interesting sort of negative-space look.  It's cute!  But it's still a manicure, which means that she's got nails long enough to manicure.  Which screams - for me, anyway - that she's a straight girl.  Yeah, I'm sure you're picturing the look on my face and it's not a bright-eyed, toothy beaming grin of glee.  Right.  I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm a lesbian, but back in the day (before I realized I was gay - hey, that rhymes!), I used to do nails and so there's a part of me even now that still appreciates an artfully done manicure.

First scene: This is a three-way with two blonds and one girl with two-toned hair (blond and brown).  One girl starts going down and is moaning on cunnilingus recipient's clit rather than actually doing anything to it - also covering recipient's pussy with hand (possibly to hide that she's not doing anything?).  One performer has  frightening-looking nails that are long but the tips are filed into deep crescents - I used to file my nails like that and a deeper file like this makes two SHARP points, one on either side of the square-shaped nail tip. I found myself wincing and desperately hoping that Crescent Girl would keep her fingertips AWAY from the poor girl's clit.  Nicking down there is not fun, guys, mkay?

At one point, one of the girls throws her head back and yells 'OH, MY PUSSY'S SO TIGHT!' and I find myself thinking 'who yells that kind of shit when they're getting fucked?'  It's kind of on par with yelling "MY NOSE IS RUNNING!" or something equally unsexy, if you're saying it about your own body while somebody's trying to fuck your brains out.  Lots of unsexy group panting as though they're in a lamaze class.  Lots of boob jiggling (as in, one girl reaches over and grabs the girl's tit and starts roughly jiggling it as though it's a Jell-O mold - the recipient of this odd sort of groping inevitably throws her head back and moans as though it's the hottest thing ever - me? I don't get it - but then, if you've got fake tits the size of these, I guess any sensation is good sensation). 

All three performers talk to the camera and ask questions and, yet again, I'm struck by what an irritating practice this is in porn.  It's not as though we can answer, so that makes all the interrogation a smidge pointless, don't you think?  I console myself with the knowledge that there are five other scenes after this one.  There's got to be one scene on this 2-hour dvd that's marginally un-annoying.  Seeing one of the performers fucking another in the ass while the third holds the other's legs spreadeagled by the ankles over her head is probably the unsexiest thing I've seen in a while.  Only one out of the three performers has short nails - not much of a consolation, all in all.

The scene ends (thank god) with one of the girls getting plowed in both holes by the other two wearing clear strap-ons.  We don't ever see the girl getting hammered cum and that always bugs me.  Even if they're gay for pay, I'd like to at least THINK the girl got a little bit of enjoyment for a day of all that sucking and fucking.

Scene 2: The next scene, starring Brittney Skye, pretty much scares the hell out of me.  I'm not usually the sort to judge someone by their name, but... man, does it ever fit.  Brittney Skye is about what you'd expect: long nails, big boobs, conspicuous porn star bling, high, helium-balloon-sucking moans and tons of hair extensions that seriously need a good wash.  For some reason, the aspect ratio on this video is different and screwy compared to the other clips -- I have to switch to a different one as I'm watching and yeah, that annoys me.  What can I say?  I'm easily annoyed.

And what is this I see?  An actual BRUNETTE is in the scene with Brittney!  Holy crap!  Brittney, presumably trying to turn her curvy, short-haired companion on, starts roughly squeezing and slapping the brunette's tits as though she's giving her a half-assed breast exam.   Nice setting - outdoors during the daytime under tree cover, then they move the show over to the base of a nearby tree for the squirrels to enjoy.  The brunette seems to actually know what she's doing, if your eyes and ears are to be believed.  This video and its two performers are the perfect example of what a real lesbian would look like versus what the guys want real lesbians to look like. 

Despite the huge pool-floater sized boobs, the brunette looks like a normal person rather than a porn star and that's nice.

Thankfully, Brittney disappears and it turns out the whole sequence was a dream.  Yay!

 *cough* I mean, umm... darn.  Darn, you know, because... that was... hot.  *cough*

Third scene: two very nice looking women with breasts that actually look natural!  No hard, overly-tanned oranges!  Wow!  Compare the first clip on this dvd to this one and it's like night and day!  Light-haired girl has a rather unnervingly girlish voice, so the moaning sounds a bit disturbing and too childlike for my taste. 

Light-haired girl fucks dark-haired girl with a glass dildo, basically reaming the hell out of her and when she 'cums', I don't have to be in the same room or actually fucking her myself to know: she's faking it BIG TIME.  I can see it from here!  Next bit shows dark-haired girl fucking light-haired girl with a HUGE mulatto strap-on.  Light-haired girl is really into it, if her moaning and the look of her pussy is anything to go by.  The only downside to this is that whenever she gasps and moans at the same time, she sounds like a squeaky toy or a pair of honking clown shoes.  Not sexy.  Well, unless you're into clowns.  I'm not, though.

Fourth scene (?  I'm starting to lose count, here) - very tanned girl with a flowery tramp stamp is laid out on a massage table on her stomach, totally naked, while a 'massage therapist' squeezes out some oil along her rather firm-looking body.  Some inane chit-chat ensues, which is basically the perfunctory precursor to inane lesbian sex.  Sure enough, the 'massage therapist' has been working for a grand total of a minute and a half, at best, and the next thing you know, she's shoving her face between her customer's legs.  So... how exactly would this part of the service be listed on Fake Massage Therapist's invoice?  I wonder.

Wow, massage chick has got huge, melon-y fake boobs - which we see as she sits up and rolls over.  She pulls Fake Massage Therapist's uniform and bra off and, wow, has FMT has got some bad breast implants going on, there - we're talking baaaaad (as in, she's too skinny - or has had one too many body shaping surgeries - and her ribcage just doesn't have enough meat/structure on it to support the size of the implants).  But she eats a good pussy, from the looks of things - or that could just be a side-effect of FMT's client's well-placed clit ring - it's hard to say.

Here's a little PSA from L to you porn producers out there: STOP HAVING THESE CHICKS SPIT ON EACH OTHER'S PUSSIES!  Fuck's sake, do you not realize how gross and wrong and pointless that is!?  It's not the same thing as a girl spitting on a guy's cock as she's sucking it (or even on another chick's strap-on as she's sucking that - and even that's pushing it, I think).  Totally different sensibility and it just does. not. work. with two girls!   It just doesn't.  STOP THAT!

Scene 5: Oh, goodie.  Another three-way.  *cough*

Two blonds, one brunette.  The brunette, sadly, has very fake boobs, while just one of the blonds has noticeably fake ones.  Lots of intense heavy breathing and one blond kissing the other while the brunette finger-fucks her.  Not bad, the blond on the receiving end certainly seems to be digging it and the kissing's not half bad.  The unintentionally funny part comes when the blond who's kissing the one who's being fingered pulls away and takes a turn at the clam -- and proceeds to make the most ridiculous noise I have EVER heard.  Seriously, it sounds like a Hoover hurriedly slurping soup.  It's that bad. 

Plus, both of the chicks tending to this girl are spreading her pussy so wide, it has just GOT to hurt.  What the fuck, chicks?  I know they call 'em 'beef curtains' from time to time, but they didn't mean for you to open them so wide that you could use tie-backs!  Seriously!  Ow!

Music sounds like it would be better off accompanying a scene in an S/m dungeon.  I find myself longing for my tasty Cyberdyke.com membership, which I sadly had to cancel just recently.

The brunette has stretch-marks on her tits - quelle attractive!  Not.

Snark aside, this scene actually turned out to be ridiculously hot.  The girls had some lovely real orgasms and were having a fantastic time, as far as I know (either that or they graduated at the top of their porn 101 class in Faking Orgasms).  This scene is one I would point to as a perfect example of what makes GOOD girl/girl porn intended for a male audience.  I don't know whether it's the rhinestone dog collars or the fact that one of the blonds looks rather eerily like Paris Hilton or the fact that they seemd to actually be getting each other off and enjoying it, but this scene is just TRASHY as hell, in the best way possible.  I find myself thinking - well, why the hell couldn't the other three scenes prior to this one be as hot?!  I won't spoil all the trashy goodness for you.  Just watch it!

Scene 6: Our final scene, starring the two blonds on the cover.  Turns out, the manicure is (I think) pink with black tips.  Still very cute, though.  And this scene is, much like the one before it - starts out rather unthrilling but ends up being very hot.  You guys know me.  I'm not about to exaggerate or blow (*cough*) things out of proportion.  This: hot! 

Despite the fact that they both look like Barbies (actually, one looks rather hauntingly like Christina Aguilera and the other looks vaguely like Shakira), both of them really seem to know what they're doing and enjoy what they're doing to each other - which, again, is something that will always, without fail, turn my crank.  Some smooching leads to undressing, which leads to Shakira eating Christina out while she's spread-eagle on a bench.  No orgasm for Christina, yet, though, sadly.  Christina returns the favor and, infuriatingly, just as it appears Shakira's about to pop her cork, as it were, the shot fades off to the two of them under a lazily drizzling pool shower.  Have I mentioned how much I hate inconveniently-timed cross-fades?  Well, consider it mentioned.

Anyway, there's manual fun for Shakira under the spray with Christina lending a hand, then Christina has a go, and the clip ends with the two of them watching each other as they masturbate at the same time and get off together.  Did I mention this was hot?  Yeah.

These two both have lovely bodies - not super thin and if they have implants, it's very hard to tell.  My only gripe is that Christina has a very ugly tattoo on her left hip, which appears to be a black panther, but just looks like someone spilled ink on her - the badly done body art takes away from an otherwise lovely view.

All in all, as the sum-up says: I'd rent this one and skip the first four scenes entirely!  Watch the last two, if you're genuinely interested in watching women getting each other off and having a good time doing it.  If, however, you like the Barbie zombies gasping as though they're about to hyperventilate, big, fake, honeydew-melon-sized titties, and ... well, just your average straight-guy porn?  Stick to the first four.  Rent it, fast forward, and enjoy!

Interested in seeing this movie?