Okay, I wish this review were going to be nice. I wanted it to be nice. Hell, I went into this movie actually expecting to have a good time and possibly have a new favorite to delve into time and time again on those long lonely nights when my roommates are asleep and I have all the time in the world.

I mean, lets look at the credentials! The movie is called “Jenna Haze is Ravaged,” which means it has Jenna Haze in it. That alone makes a film worth watching, in my opinion. She’s always hot, always completely into it (or at least appears to be so, which is good enough for me with porn… and in real life, who the fuck am I kidding?), seems to enjoy being restrained, and says the cutest little things while being rammed from all directions. We have a winner. I love me some Jenna Haze. Plus, the cover has a really hot pic of her, and a quote below her saying “This is the most anal I’ve ever done!” On the back there is another quote saying “I never knew how much I loved anal ‘til I made this film!” Plus a big old logo saying “Don’t stop the anal!” So, yeah, I sat down assuming it would be a big old butt sex movie with a great performer, and a bunch of other cute chicks rounding out the scenes… since the back cover had a bunch of pictures of other hotties.

Boy was I a fucking chump.

The menus are okay on the DVD and I jump straight into watching the movie, which brings us to problem number one… the intro.

For the next two minutes I am just shown clip after clip of the movie that I am already sitting down to watch, as the title keeps flashing all over the place. There are no credits or names, just the damn title over and over, with this horrible music playing on a loop that sounds like a 14 year-old’s rock back trying to tune up for the yearly talent show. But it ends, and we begin the first scene. But before we do, I suppose I should let you know one thing. Aside from Jenna Haze (and Jerry, which I will explain below), I have no idea who any of the people are in this movie.

“Why?”
There are no credits before or after the movie.

“What about on the box art?”
Good question! Know now that none of the people on the box other than Jenna are actually in this movie. That’s right, the old bait and switch. Cute blonde on the back? Bait. The switch? Oh boy, the horror... the horror.

Scene 1 – Jenna Haze, Jerry and ?

It opens on Jenna’s amazing ass, all clad in tight leather boy shorts and a matching leather corset. She walks around the backyard of a house, wearing a pink and silver one-ring collar, occasionally bending over or playing with her tits. There is no explanation for this, and by all rights it should be boring, but it isn’t. Then again, most men would agree that you could watch her clean potatoes for hours and it would still be sexy. She’s a lucky lass.
Then! Magically! We immediately and without any explanation cut to her on her knees, leashed and with her wrists bound, blowing two men. Um… okay?

Obviously this is not a story movie, but even still, I’d like a little more transition than that. It’s like getting a massage, relaxing on the table, then suddenly the cute little masseuse rams her thumb up your ass. Give me some time to prepare goddamnit! You know what else I was not prepared for? The room that this scene is filmed in is BRIGHT FUCKING GREEN! Like key lime green! This washes out all the actors so they look pale and scary.

Anyway. She’s going at it, and seems to be having a good time doing it. Every now and then she looks up and says things like “Without my hands it’s hard.” Or, “I’m too short!” Then she laughs and goes back to work, legs chained, wrists locked, and leashed. All in all, not bad stuff.

Then the unthinkable happens. Just as I was gearing up for a good scene, I suddenly hear the director, loud and clear, begin giving instructions and countdowns to the next transition. The audio for the porn itself cuts in and out, but all the time you can hear him talking to the actors, breaking them in and out of the moment. I thought it would be only once, but it happens for the rest of the movie.

It quickly cuts to her riding one of the guys while sucking off the other on a huge fire engine red couch that badly clashes with the BRIGHT FUCKING GREEN room. I’m no interior designer, but even I realize that this is a color scheme that is not helping the quality of this film. As she rides him, we hear our incredibly loud director (named Skeeter Kerkove… please kick him in the naughty bits for me if you ever meet him) instruct our poor starlet thusly “Hey Jenna, spread your right cheek apart. Good girl.”

I’m no physician, but I don’t think it is possible to spread one cheek apart. I think you can spread two… but if you were to spread one, I think it would hurt her badly. Dumbass.

Anyhoo, she gets what he means, and shows us her asshole. It would have been nice if we didn’t have to hear that dipshit Skeeter telling her to do so though. Just takes away the spontaneity. You know in Little Mermaid, after the “Kiss the Girl” song? If he’d kissed her then, it would have had no meaning… what makes it special is that when it happens, the Prince thinks of it on his own. Jenna Haze’s asshole is the same way.

We then come to my favorite part. We go to missionary, and Jenna is on her back teasing the male actor because he has to keep stopping. She basically makes fun of him for it “being too good” and him not being able to keep from blowing his load. It’s hysterical. I sympathized with the poor guy.

And another magical cut to doggie-style sex, as our amazing director Skeeter informs Jenna to “Spread your ass. Spread it like a lunch story.” Did I just hear that right? I rewind… and yes, it appears Jenna Haze has been instructed to spread her ass like a lunch story. If anyone out that has any idea what that means (not counting you Skeeter, I’ve decided I don’t trust anything coming from you) please let me know.

Jenna teases the actor some more and yells “Gimme it harder! What the fuck are you doing?! Fuck me!” Poor guy. His ego must have been in shambles after this. But we don’t have to feel bad for him for long, because good old Skeeter yells from off-camera “Jerry, get in her mouth somehow.”

First, that is how I knew Jerry was one of the actor’s names.

Second. Somehow? How hard can it be to figure that one out? Whatever…

Now the anal begins. The most anal Jenna has ever done! Remember? It’s probably not even 10 minutes worth, but it is some good reverse cowgirl action, until the director starts yapping again, everyone stops for a few seconds, the camera is literally set down on the floor, and then it cuts to the scene again. I swear this was edited by mentally challenged lemurs. She gets pounded for a bit, while she uses a vibrator on herself and blows the other guy. It’s pretty hot, to be fair. Another magical cut to not even 5 seconds of her on her side being assfucked, then another magical cut to her lying on the floor with her ass propped up on the couch being screwed a little more in the ass. The amazing thing here is that at some point Jerry (we don’t see it happen, it must have occurred during one of the horrid transitions) spins around and somehow fucks her in the ass with him reverse cowboying her from on top. If that sounds odd or impossible, or you are having trouble picturing it, it’s because it is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. You only see it for a few “blink and you miss it” seconds but when you do, it kinda changes you inside. You start to realize there is an entire world of completely useless and painful sexual positions you’ve never even dreamed off. Still, hats off to Jerry. I’m not that flexible.

Eventually both men end up blowing their nuts all over her face, and she smiles and seems to like it, but the lighting is so bad by this time that you can only half see what is going on anyway. Everything is extremely whited-out. It’s horrible.

The one thing I will say is this. Jenna Haze is a damn goddess. Any other actress in this scene and I would have pulled the disc out and hurled it at my cat in frustration. However, she is truly one of the best stars in the business and manages to elevate a terribly shot and directed scene into something that is still sexy and hot, for the most part. Imagine if Meryl Streep decided to star in your kid’s junior high school musical. That’s what she brings to this part. Elegance and talent. And a very pliable set of orifices.

Everything goes to hell from here on out.

Scene 2 - ? and ?

We open on a pot-bellied, aging, horse-faced woman rolling around on a red couch in an ugly white outfit. Her mannish jaw line has me pretty convinced that she is a postop tranny, especially since her vagina never seems to be able to lubricate. More on that later.

She flails around and strips, revealing some pretty perky nipples. Guess the old gal’s still got some life left in her… so maybe we can put away the shotgun and let Little Ned take her out for a ride. Then her pants come off, and she sticks a silver vibrator in herself for a bit, which would be great if the camera never left her crotch, but it keeps jumping back to her face and scaring me.

One magic cut later, and some guy is standing there getting blown by her. He looks really hungry. Not to have sex with her (Jesus no…), but he looks hungry because it appears that he has not eaten in weeks. His ribs are poking out all over the place, while she blows on his stubbly package. Guess he couldn’t find the razor that morning. Or he saw who he had to have sex with and just said “fuck it, not worth shaving for.” She looks bored. He looks bored. I look everywhere but at my television as I pray for something to distract me from finishing this movie.

Eventually this guy (who looks like he could be her son) switches and goes down on her. His tongue barely brushes her clit and he keeps his eyes closed most of the time and just sticks around there to take up more space on the DVD. Then she climbs on top and has slow boring sex with him. Then slow boring sex from the side. They seem to have some issues with him staying hard and her staying wet, because he keeps spitting on his fingers and rubbing them around so he can actually get his semi-flaccid meat inside her. I giggled. A lot.

It occurs to me that she kinda looks like what I think Sheryl Crow will look like in 20 years. Hm.

Oh, she’s dry again.

Now doggie. Slow. Fuck I’m bored. Just come already. Annnndddddd... he does. Slowly. On her face. Yay. NEXT!

Scene 3 - ? and ?

This scene opens with a pretty cute raven-haired gal stripping on a bed and playing with herself. It’s slow, but not bad to watch. She has a little landing strip of pubic hair about a centimeter wide, and a few inches long… which is really strange, because it’s a little off-center. Someone must have been a little overzealous with the Mach 3 that morning. She looks like a less attractive version of Kate Beckinsale. Eventually she grabs a big red dildo and rubs it all over, but never actually sticks it inside herself, which seems pointless since it is a dildo, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

Then the exact same guy from the last scene appears in the exact same magical way and she blows him exactly the same, except he seems much happier this time and actually looks at her while she does it. Gee, I wonder why.

It’s almost a mirror routine. Blowing, then he goes down and actually dives in a little bit, and some reverse cowgirl sex that is terrifying because his ribs look like they are about to be broken. Seriously dude, eat a fucking Pop Tart or something. I’m worried about you.

Then more sex. Side sex. Doggie-style. Missionary. There don’t seem to be any hardness or wetness issues this time, probably because he wasn’t about to run crying from the room when he saw this woman. And he blows his load on her chest. Well done… now go eat a cheeseburger buddy.

Scene 4 - ? and ?

Oh Jesus H Christ...

A chubby woman in her late 40’s to early 50’s lies on a bed masturbating her chewed bubble gum looking puss while her pancaked breasts desperately wobble around. It’s painful to watch. Then, some guy walks into the scene, and she begins to take him in her mouth, which would be bad enough, except his right leg is covered in Band-Aids, which just adds to the class that Skeeter has brought us this evening. What in the hell am I still watching this for? They have a lot of missionary sex, we hear the director yapping in the background again, and there is some sex with her on top. It’s boring and gross, and when he finally comes on her lips, I cheer, because I know there is only one more scene to go. It’ll be better. It can’t possibly get worse, right? RIGHT?!

Scene 5 - ? and ?

NO! Are you fucking kidding me?!? It’s the same ugly-ass, dried-up woman from Scene 2!

What the bloody hell?! How can a movie with Jenna Haze in it reach such horrible lows?! You know, it is absolutely no wonder that she doesn’t have the cover from this movie up on her MySpace page and that this is the only movie to date that she has done with Torrid. I bet you anything that when she got home that evening and her boyfriend asked her how her day was, she said “I feel like I compromised my artistic integrity.” I guarantee it! Poor Jenna, I hope she got a big hug and a box of chocolate… and a foot rub… and a gift certificate to Bath and Body Works.

God. This vile woman strips, writhes and sticks another vibrator in herself. It is pretty much the same scene as before, EXCEPT this time the guy who bangs her looks like he is about 18 and has to keep spitting on his hand to get her wet while he fucks her from behind. Over and over again. Was there no lube on the set? How is that possible? I have lube all over the damn place and I don’t film porn! AND, get this! While he does it, she actually rolls her eyes and yawns. I guess I should feel bad for her. Grandma obviously missed her naptime today, and how can she be expected to get wet when they wouldn’t even let her take a break to “watch her stories.” He blows on her face after some bad sex. Done and done.

There are no credits. And for the record, this movie was about 2 ½ hours long. For those of you who are counting, that means only 10 minutes of it were anal, all of them with Jenna, which is nowhere close to what she does in most of her movies. If you are a fan of Jenna Haze, go get “Jenna Haze Darkside.” That movie will knock your socks off. This one? This one will leave you unable to maintain an erection for three days at the bare minimum.



Interested in seeing this movie?