Pirates DVD Review Today I am reviewing a spartan indie feature called Pirates, an uneven effort by a promising small studio call Digital Playground, directed by an obscure filmmaker named Joone, which may be the fruitiest name any straight porn director has ever used. I mean, seriously, even Chi Chi LaRue probably thinks that’s a queenie pseudonym. I’m not sure even how to say it. Does it rhyme with “no one?” This title may be hard to find, so ask your retailer if they’ve heard of it.

Seriously, I thought I’d revisit this bestseller three years later. Ultimately, the producers wanted this to be somewhat of a cross between a mainstream film and an adult feature, so it leaves me with the task of judging the mainstream parts against other mainstream films, and the sex scenes against the best of the adult world. They brag about how they spent $2 million on this movie. Judging from the opening scene between Kris Slater and Carmen Luvana, it wasn’t spent on acting lessons. The sex scene between the two is kind of quick, though I must admire Carmen’s oral technique and her smokin’ hot bod. The music isn’t bad either. He then does her doggy, with a condom (hello, continuity department, did they sell Trojans at pirate ports in the 1700’s?) This is also quick, leading to a spoon position, and a pop just above the snatch box. It’s a quick scene.

We then see our first major shots of the ships at sea. Not only doesn’t it look like they spent $2 million on it; it looks like they lifted it from the Sid Meier computer game, also called Pirates!. It looks like nothing but a digital ship on a digital sea, with a digital sky above, and is distracting when cut in with the live footage. From the deck of each ship, we see some more bad acting (I ain’t claiming to be an expert, but I do have a BA in... acting.) Okay, so you probably know the plot. Pirates board the ship, plunder it, sink it, and the lead pirate looks like he had his eyes made-up by a goth chick from Soho.

Aboard another ship, Jesse Jane is servicing Scott Nails, starting with a fine blow job. He licks her pussy (yawn!) and fucks her in various positions (acrobatic missionary, cowgirl) very briefly and then cums on her face. This scene is so incredibly short that I wonder everyone was in a hurry that day.

The sailors of the good ship Lollipop (or whatever the fuck it’s called) find Carmen Luvana floating at sea. Okay, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit for a few minutes... I’m waiting for the sex. There is so much dialogue before the next sex scene, I think Joone forgot he was directing an adult feature.

Finally, Devon and Teagan Presley, as two local hos, entertain Evan Stone with a girl/girl show. Devon seems to do the bulk of the Evan fucking, while Teagan just adds a bit of amusement. It actually takes awhile for the scene to get going, as Evan will just not shut the fuck up. At least this scene is a bit longer than the rest.

Jesse Jane and Stephen St. Croix are abruptly seen banging in a storeroom. She does some wonderful deep throat on him. She’s rather energetic in this scene, too. From there, it’s doggy, RCG and mish, until he pops on her belly. This is followed by some pillow talk. I would have rather had more sex.

There is more dialogue, setting up the plot between the pirate hunter and Victor Spaghetti, or whatever his name is. As the pirate hunter's love interest, Austyn Moore is horrible at dialogue, even for a porn actress (but she is pleasant on the eyes.) If I were directing her, I would find something to stuff into her mouth. This may be the worst acting in the movie. Lord, save me from this scene. This is followed by some mystical action, I don’t know what the fuck it all means. It’s another long dialogue break with crappy acting and bad writing that makes me long for a sex scene.

The salvation from this monotonous garbage comes in the form of a g/g scene with Carmen Luvana and Jenaveve Jolie. Carmen’s character is forced into a lesbian scene (in which she quickly becomes a willing participant.) The pirates are watching her, saying “Arrrrr!” with approval, because that’s what pirates say. It’s a nice scene (though I wish the pirates would close their yappers,) and Jenaveve really knows how to find a lady’s sugar spots in a lesbian scene. After some smelly finger action, it closes with some donut bopping.

Oh great, more dialogue. They also did not spend the $2 million on writing. It’s blissfully short, and leans into a scene with Evan Stone and Austyn Moore, who hopefully can fuck better than she could act. They make love in a building that’s on fire ($2 million was also not spent on fire effects.) Austyn seems a bit perplexed during the oral on what to do with Evan’s giant polska kielbasa. The scene is shot with a smoky effect (since da room is on fire,) so you don’t see the action well. At least she keeps her shoes on while being bonked, since you need shoes if you are going to walk through a fire.

On the pirate ship, Janine and Tommy Gunn do the nasty while some Peruvian-like plays in the background (though I think the forgot their pan flutes.) He does a finger job on her pussy, she blows his little fellow (he’s kind of small for a porn stud... No, wait, it’s growing. The tattoos must have turned him off at first.) He fucks her, and he must have found the same Ye Olde Drug Store that Kris Slater did, as he’s wearing a condom, too. Clearing the table during doggy style is a nice touch. There’s a pop on the face, after which she threatens him with a knife. “Stop wearing more make-up than me,” I think she said. I don’t know, the sound was down a little.

Carmen and Jesse then enjoy a muff-fest with each other. I’m not a g/g scene man, per se, but if all the chicks who experiment with lezzie were this hot, you might change my mind on that. There are some nice acrobatics in this scene, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a lesbo pile driver before. They use all fingers and such, as it appears that Ye Olde Sex Toy Shoppe is not in the same neighborhood as Ye Olde Drug Store.


At this point, we have more of the wonderful acting (lord, give me a fatal disease) as they enter the cave. I’m pretty sure they spent the whole $2 million on the cave and skeleton warriors. It’s a shame they don’t participate in the sex scenes, that would be some real skull fucking.

Okay, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, and then we finally have another sex scene, between Carmen Luvana and Kris Slater (back where we started.) She seems to have learned a few tricks with the pirates and fucks him like a bitch in heat. Too bad the scene is so damn short, but we can’t let something like sex interfere with Joone’s effort to make an awful sea epic.

The final scene is a g/g with Janine and Jesse Jane. There are three lezzie scenes in this feature, which is two more than I would like. I guess if you are going to pay Janine the big money, you have to do one lesbo scene with her. It’s more fingering, though they do improve with a candle. Like many of the scenes, this one is also short.

Ultimately, I would say go ahead and buy it, if only to see what happens with someone tries to spend $2 million on a porn movie. That doesn’t mean it isn’t trash, it’s just $2 million worth of trash. ADDENDUM: As far as the critical tone of this review (see the flames below,) I think Digital Playground is hardly shaking in their boots... they have their hefty profits to keep them warm. I also believe you need to take big shots at the big guys. I'm searching for a metaphor here... "You want to stand on top of the Empire State Bldg., you better be ready to swipe at a few biplanes." Hmmm....

Special features: HD-DVD version of the feature (which I must remember to put in a box with my Beta videos and 8-track tapes), commentary, chapter index; and a second dvd with all extras, featuring trailers, bios, photogalleries, behind the scenes featurettes, a blooper reel, and behind the fx. Most multi-dvd sets, like this one, master the art of squeezing one dvd into two or three, and this one is definitely no exception. It’s more or less an excuse to charge you more money to buy the feature.

Interested in seeing this movie?