Pirates   To begin, a word of qualification: I wasn’t an enthusiast, per se, of the original Pirates. I'm not a big fan of melodrama (I even hated Titanic), and I don't feel inclined to drink the Kool-Aid just because they spent a fortune on this "epic." If you like, check out my review on this site and the flames that accompanied it. As I prepare to watch Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge, I will still judge the mainstream aspects against other mainstream films, and the adult scenes will be critiqued in relation to other adult films. Don’t misunderstand my feelings towards Pirates (the original); I definitely respect it on the basis that, as a retailer, I’m made a few bucks selling it. Anything that brings money to the adult world is good by me.


The first thing I noticed is that Joone’s fx crew has improved on their “ship at sea” effects. The original looked like it was stock footage from a ten-year-old computer game. The effects in P2 look, if not convincing to an educated public, then at least adequate. The opening scene features a ship of religious types being attacked by Pirates. One of the padres slips a glowing ball in his mouth, while a shy young priest grabs a sword, for fighting purposes I assume. He is sliced in two by a pirate with a turban and an arabic sword. He brings the older priest on deck, where he demands that “it” be given to him. Katsuni (formerly Katsumi) approaches and uses the scorpion-octopus hybrid of truth to find out where the glowing ball is. She cuts it out of his cut and destroys the ship.  


The next ship we see is sailing during the day, and the effects don’t hold up as well at night. This is the ship of Evan Stone as Captain Reynolds, who recaps the first story and engages in banter with his manservant. We get our first glimpse of first mate Jules (Jesse Jane). He introduces the new character of Ai Chow, played by Shay Jordan. My Chinese is a bit rusty, but I believe Ai Chow means “love noodles.” I also love noodles. However, I find the accents used by the actors playing Wu and Ai to be about 30 years behind the politically correct Hollywood standard. For all I know, Wu's accent is real (though I doubt it). Shay's bio lists her as being a German-Filipina from San Diego, so I doubt she really speaks in this asian version of the Steppin Fetchit accent. For some reason, the adult business seems to think it is exempt from good taste when it comes to the races. This leads into the first sex scene, in which Ai Chow entertains two crewmen below deck with the ancient art of oral, doggy style, reverse cowgirl, spoon, and various other positions. The scene is short, but the producers have addressed this problem from the first film by including elongated versions of all the sex scenes on one of the other 4 dvds. I wouldn’t mind seeing a special edition of Pirates 1, with the HD-DVD replaced by a similar disc.

In Tortuga, Reynolds meets Olivia (played by Belladonna), and the discuss the pardon of one Serena, the Janine character from the first film (who is never seen). Also onshore, a pirate breaks into some quarters looking for gold, and finds two servant girls (Riley Steele and Abbey Brookes, I believe). We then learn that this is actually the governor, indulging in some role play. The engage in a joyous threesome. The scenes run so fast, I’m not going into traditional position rundown, unless I see something that is particularly entertaining.  


Below, Captain Reynolds and Jules are awaiting for their meeting with Governor Littleton. They plead for mercy on Serena. Serena isn’t actually in custody, so I’m wondering why they waste so much time talking about her. I’m sort of ignoring the plot at this point, and focusing on how luscious Jesse Jane looks in her corset. But, the Governor does ask the pirate hunters for help in capturing Xifeng, the Katsuni character. At last, we have a plot. If only they can kill the Chinese pirate empress, Serena will get a pardon.

They formulate a plan, revolving around the fact that Xifeng loves chow mein. I’m kind of wondering if that’s the best they could do, plot-wise. They could have at least made it chow fun, a much tastier noodle.

Down in quarters, there is a dispute between Olivia and Jules that we can only hope will lead into a lesbian fight and sex fest. We are not disappointed. If I were a bigger Belladonna fan, I would enjoy it more, but I can’t stand tramp stamps and her’s is one of the most intrusive. It’s a good, active g/g scene.

At a pub in port, Jules and the Captain are trying to secure passage to another island (their ship is in need of repairs). I’m kind of expecting to see Han Solo and Chewbacca and a table in the background, but no such luck. It so happens that they need bling-bling both for ship repairs and for passage. They wind up taking a cheap passage in the storage area of a ship. Reynolds is going through feelings of inadequacy, and I think this foreshadows an effort to prove his bravery later in the film. There is a nice moment between Reynolds and Jules, and I also think this must be leading us to a relationship between the two later on.  


Reynolds and Jules find themselves in a rowdy, raucous pirate’s port. Reynolds finds himself at a slave auction. Anne, played by Jenna Haze, is one of the girls up for auction. He discusses the location of Xifeng with a blind, one-eyed pirate for whom he is a proxy bidder. He wins her for 1000 pieces of eight. I’m not sure where he gets the gold, though I suspect it is a ruse.

Jules, in the meantime, has found the camp of Xifeng on the outskirts of town. It’s a spooky place with chains and skulls, not exactly the kind of place that invites wandering porn chicks to enter. She meets Xifeng, and is taken prisoner. She is forced to obey the will of Xifeng because of the power of the scorpion-squid, which apparently is more effective than roofies.

Reynolds, disguising himself as “Stone Cold Jackson,” is invited to the lair of the slave auctioneer. He quizzes the auctioneer about Xifeng, and learns that she is on this very island. They watch a belly dance/sex show with Shyla Styles, Gabriella Fox and two other women, along with various cocks, making this a fine little orgy scene. You kind of need a program to keep track of the talent in this film.

The action then switches to a pub, where Captain Marco, blue over the perceived loss of Jules, takes up with Love Noodles. They go off to a storage room and make nooky-nooky. At this point, I notice a scorpion tattoo on Ai’s belly. Is this a clue that she is kin to Xifeng, or just something the porn star herself has made? Or is it a MacGuffin and nothing more? Marco is ready to brush Ai aside after the lovemaking, which pisses her off royally.

At the slave auction, Reynolds introduces himself to his new slave, Anne. She shows him her powerful slave love-making skills. I enjoyed this more than the other sex scenes because of the hinky nature, the great looks of Jenna Haze and the fact that this one actually had the lights on. It helps sometimes to be able to see what’s going on. They are interrupted after lovemaking by the scorpi-squid controlled Jules, who helps Xifeng capture him. They learn that Victor Stagnetti is alive (for anyone who cares,) in a manner of speaking. They imprison Captain Reynolds and mock him, saying “aarrrr!” quite a bit. The prison is some sort of gladiator ring. He must fight a giant digital slug-monster, for the amusement of Xifeng, the pirates and anyone who saw Star Wars Episode VI. The digital slug-worm is killed by the intervention of Olivia aka Belladonna, who in addition to being a fetish fanatic is an expert digital slug-worm slayer. She frees Reynolds and he fills her in on the plot so far, mainly that Stagnetti is not 100% dead.

After meeting with Maria (Sasha Grey) in his cabin, Reynolds meets with two horny local chicks, Rhylee Richards and Brianna Love, who are apparently pirate groupies. Reynolds is busy, buy like all rock stars, actors and pirates, he’s never too busy for groupie sex. He thrills them with details of his adventures and has a threesome with them.

Back on the ship of Xifeng, the pirates engage in the act of resurrecting Stagnetti, using the glowing ball that was stolen from the padres at the beginning of the film. She shoots it into the sea with a pistol, and they profoundly wait for the resurrection. His wrapped body is retrieved from an abyss by an african mystic of some kind. Xifeng touches him, there is a cheesy special effect and “poof,” the underwater mummy, after some bad-ass shit becomes the once-more alive Stagnetti.

On Reynolds ship, Olivia gets a feeling of evil. It’s almost as if she experiences the strange disturbance in the force, a la Star Wars IV, though she is admittedly much prettier than Alec Guiness.  


Back on the Xifeng ship, Xifeng and Stagnetti are with with doped-up Jules. As with all recently resurrected pirates, Stagnetti needs some hot sex and so he has a threesome with Xifeng and Jules (and since she is still under the influence, can anyone say “date-rape"?)

There is then a final battle between the pirate hunters and the pirates. The skeleton warriors are back from Pirates I. The skeleton fight isn’t bad by the hokey fx standard of this work. They easily defeat them and then go after the Xifeng crew, while a giant sea monster resembling the one from Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy wreaks havoc on them. Belladonna digitally hops on the pirate ship to fight Xifeng. I was hoping for a lezzie slap fight, but they use swords instead. Marco and Love Noodles are on deck. He promises to marry her in exchange for the expect help of Wu the cannon master, against the giant monster. I won’t give away the result, but it’s amazing what just one of Wu’s cannonballs will do... or was it a su mai dumpling?

The battle royale between Xifeng and Olivia concludes. I won’t give away the ending, but the one with fewer tattoos loses. Stagnetti then sends drugged up Jules after Olive, but both are injured in mast accident. Stagnetti prepares to torture and slay the hotties, but he is interrupted by Reynolds, determined to prove his bravery. I won’t say which one wins, but let’s just say that the one who needs some Head and Shoulders in his hair loses. Of course, given the plot-line of the first, we can never be sure that Stagnetti is all dead, can we?

After the battle, loose ends are wrapped up, and Marco enjoys a threesome with Jules and Ai. Reynolds goes to his cabin to make an entry in his diary and have his own ménage à trois with Olivia and Maria. The film closes with a last shot of the pirate ship effect.

Judging this as a mainstream film, I found 75% of it to be a bit of a yawner. It picked up quite a bit during the last 1/4, when the final battle started, but the wait was a bit long. If it was a regular film released in the theatres, I would give it 3 stars, but I’ll give it a porn bump to 3.5. Digital Playground made the wise choice of including the sex scenes in full cuts on a separate dvd, and considering that the stars are hot, and that I have a weakness for costume-clad porn, that’s a great plus. I still find Joone’s style of directing a porn scene to be a bit uninspired, but I’m still going to give the porn cuts a 4.5. The whole package gets 4 stars. There are two more bonus discs, though they could have been cut up and squeezed on to one.  

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