“A young man’s truck breaks down on a lone, country road.” Well, if that doesn’t scream, “This movie is really crappy!” I don’t know what else does. Considering that “Lust in Space” was made back in 1985, it’s really not that bad. Sure, the quality of the VHS tapes you’ll have to use to watch it (no DVDs available) might be worse than the movie. But, if you can find a copy of this gem, add it to your video library quickly!

After Harry Reems is met by the first “alien,” a blonde, gauze-wearing princess (Lana Burner) who pops onto the screen looking for a ride to Los Angeles, the campy comedy begins. She mind-melds with the broken-down pickup to fix it and then promptly repays our star for his generosity by giving him a blowjob while they pull away. Sadly, no footage of the blowjob exists – just the truck swerving so you’ll get the idea of what’s happening. Oh if only they had more money and film stock to put onscreen all the action we really wanted.

The next scene begins when our alien heroine is introduced to typical run-down motel room-styled furniture while she explains that she’s really from outer space and is from a planet called Zitcom. All the while she is explaining her plight she’s undressing Harry as fast as she can. Seeing as how her outfit is mostly strips of wispy gauze, he doesn’t really have much to do except explain how she couldn’t possibly be an alien because he’d already seen some. Yup….that hayseed accent he’s throwing out there is a plot point! Only rednecks have seen aliens with “heads like armadillos.” But, our princess explains that they were “sent to a black hole” a million years ago and that they liked to come to earth to order out food, wait for someone to show up, take the food and then leave without paying. College frat boys or aliens – you decide! However, if you weren’t convinced by the furniture and dialogue up to this point that this is classic 1980s porn – the princess’ spiky hair with short, yellow and red dyed sides will do that since you see a lot of it now.

Sometimes it’s better to just fast-forward through the dialogue, and this video isn’t an exception to that rule. It’s quite annoying when Harry jerks upward each time she tries to suck his cock. She convinces him to lick her pussy and says she’s going to connect with his mind in order to prove she’s really an alien while he does it. If you’re looking forward to some decent snatch eating, you’re sadly mistaken here. Now, our princess begins what sounds like a fairy tale as we’re flashed-back to the story of Vixana who has outlawed sexuality on Zitcom. But when it looks like all is lost – enter a young Ron Jeremy!

Three slaves are kneeling before Vixana and she is upset they tried to have erections after she has banned the practice. She asks for her “little hairy one” to come to her and Ron is only too happy to oblige. NOW we finally get some action! At first his head is in the way, but when they finally change the angle you get to see his talented tongue work magic. The other two slaves are trying really hard not to get excited and then Vixana relents and lets Jeremy fuck her while she sucks the other two off. Some of the angles are strange and the director tries for artsy lighting at times, but it doesn’t detract for long as Vixana gets it from behind while still sucking the other two. And, you have to be impressed with a three-way cum shot that all happens on cue.

So, after Harry eats-out the princess, a really badly synthesized voice tells us that the princess has caused a link between Vixana and her arch-enemy Vulva who is disguised on Earth. Why? We don’t know because it quickly jumps to the princess giving Harry a blowjob and then him fucking her tits. Finally, she tells him to fuck her and if you love high-pitched moaning – you’ll love her! But, then again, crappy 1980s production values come into play as you see his cock and some white cream on her pussy. Sadly, you can’t tell if it’s form a prior cum, lubricant, or if she’s got a bad infection.

After he finally has her get on top and ride his cock, he becomes annoying by trying to sing to show his arousal while fucking her. Fortunately, they’re both pretty limber and can change positions easily – something which does give merit to the scene. So, if there’s a position you like better than the others, you might just get to see it. My advice though – turn the sound down because his lousy one-liners detract heavily. A minor volume adjustment will still let you hear all the good parts.

So, after some soft romantic music while Harry licks her nipples and then falls asleep, we return to Vixana and find out the rest of the story. The acting doesn’t get any better and it’s almost insulting when Twit, Vixana’s servant, pops-up in bed next to Harry because he has smelled that the princess was there and has been sent by Vixana to find her. Harry then finds that she has paid him almost $20,000, delivers really campy lines, and realizes that she has taken his “dead daddy’s” truck. Once he gives up that he knows she wanted to go to Los Angeles, Twit thanks him for giving up the information and leaves to find her.

Next we see Vulva in her lingerie receiving a package from Paradise Visuals – so nice product placement by the distributors there! And, in true vintage porn fashion, she cannot pay for the C.O.D. and she gives the delivery guy plenty in payment for the videos. It’s sex all around as Vulva and the delivery guy get busy on the platform stairs where her bed is. Now, if you don’t like a natural pussy, you’ll want to fast-forward through these scenes. If, however, you really enjoy seeing a hairy snatch being serviced well, then stay tuned! Vulva is more than happy to return the favor by deep-throating the delivery guy. Sadly, though, what is a good fuck scene between Vulva and her guest is interrupted with Vixana trying to figure out where the princess is by tweaking her own nipples. I guess she’s trying to tune in the signals. But, she does at least begin to feel the sex vibes from Vulva because Vixana does finally start masturbating herself. So much for no sexuality on Zitcom!

I’m not going to spoil the rest of the movie for you here. If you can get past the campy attitude, bad makeup and special effects (if you can call them that), you’ll find that this classic has entertainment to spare. If you saw it when it first came out, you’ll love it all over again. If you’re not old enough to remember this title, see if you can find it! You’ll never forget “Lust in Space!”