Kiss Attack

It's not every day that I get to write a review on a movie that I found truly awful, that the only redeeming quality I could find came in the way of tattoos on some of the performers bodies.  Even Sasha Grey couldn't save it.  In fact, paring Alex Gonz with Sasha didn't make Alex any more entertaining in my book, he still bores me.  Speaking of Sasha, what the hell was that thing that was put on her head?

I can sum this movie up in one sentence.  Kiss Attack is what happens when you are prescribed hallucinogenics for writers block.  NOTE: Just because it worked for Lewis Carroll doesn't mean it is going to work for anyone else. 

The DVD case claims that this movie is "A new chapter in the vampire myth."  The back of the DVD case reads "The story of five deadly beauties spawned by Vlad Dracul.  The five beauties are cursed with a poisonous tongue and venomous kiss...Mr. Experiment's son, VMMX, must destroy the vampires beauties with the help of his creations the Fleshers, whose only desire is to destroy the vampires and to feed the undying need of their carnal desires."  Yea, okay, lets go with that because I really can't tell you what the hell the movie was about.  The movie comes complete with a comic book that tries to help explain it.

HELLO!!  This is porn.  It shouldn't need supplemental reading material where you know what is going on.  Porn is supposed to make you horny and get off (at least that is what I am told), not make you wonder what drugs the director was on and where you can score some.  

Maybe I am not being fair.  I am sure that someone somewhere will love this movie.  There is probably something in this movie that will appeal to everyone, if you can get past the movie itself.  Sasha Grey is there, there is latex, corsets and other fetish wear, there are tattooed girls, there are big girls, there is anal sex.   Normally I love alt porn.  This time...not so much.  First of all, alt porn doesn't normally contain rap music with lyrics about "niggers".  That is what caught me about the music, the offending N-word.  What the hell was Carlos thinking?  This is alt porn not gangsta' porn.  (Does such a think even exist?)  If you pop the DVD into your computer and explore it luck has it that there is folder filled with the MP3s of the soundtrack.  Can't live without that.

On the other hand you have lots of latex and corsets and women who aren't afraid of food, if you catch my meaning.  The excessive use of corsets were another thing that annoyed the hell out of me.  Everyone had to take time to remove them.  It's not clothing that is easily removed no matter how good they look.  I don't want to watch someone unlace someone else's corset.  YAWN!


Then there was the comic stuff.  Yes, there was comic book drawings interspersed between each scene along with each of the characters introducing themselves via a poorly written soliloquy.  Even more annoying was the silent movie type words on the thing prior to each scene that explains what is happening. 


The movie formula was simple, written explanation, comic book bits, soliloquy, sex, repeat. 

The movie probably made perfect sense in Carlos Batts head.  I wish it would have stayed there.  Dracul makes these vampire children, Mr. Experiment provides them with perfumes to protect themselves and VMMX (Experiment's son) makes Fleshers to destroy them.  The problem though is that the Fleshers want to fuck them first.  These vampire children didn't act like vampires sucking blood.  We were supposed to believe they were vampires because we were told they were vampires.  If it was never said they were vampires that part of the movie would have escaped everyone.  They would have just been girls in fetish wear.

First, lets meet The Fleshers.


Interesting bunch aren't they?  Who finds this sexy?  Personally I want to do the guy with hook hand and the things coming out of his head.  He really does it for me.  Seriously, half of these guys didn't even have sex scenes but the Fleshers were paramount to the story.  One of these guys was even the head of the prop department.  Damn it!  I just realized that I forgot to take a screen shot of VMMX in his gimp mask.  Sorry about that.

As for the sex...it was sex.  It was nothing to write home about with little chemistry between any of the actors.


Sasha Grey and that thing on her head.  Sorry.  Thought I got a shot of her with Alex Gonz.  Personally, I like this picture.



April Flowers and Claudia Rossi.  Nothing against large girls, some would consider me one, but it looks like poor Claudia is going to get crushed. 



Sara Vandella and Christian.  Someone took lighting lessons from Club Jenna and D. Cypher.  I had no idea that she was wearing pink and that the rug was pink.  I only learned this from looking at the slide show where this picture came from.  The scene was horribly over lit, washed out and done in black in white.



April Flowers and Penny.  I love Penny's tattoo work and she is another larger girl who isn't afraid of food.  This is a good thing.  Women should eat and not look like they are starving themselves.



Lastly Cholita is in an alley way doing some strange burlesque show for VMMX (he's in the car).  Check out the picture, she only has on one pasty.  She did about 1/4th of her dance like that.

The worst part of this movie...at the end it said "To be continued..."

Even though I can't find one good thing to say about this offering from Adam & Eve's Independent Adult Cinema Line, I predict it's going to end up being a cult classic among the "lives in their parents basement and jacks off to comic book girls with big boobs" crowd.  Kiss Attack is one movie I suggest you pass on.  I had much higher hopes for a movie that claimed to be "a new chapter in the vampire myth."  It was as much about vampires as Pirates was about a troupe of traveling circus freaks.  If you want vampires with your porn, check out Michael Raven's The Wicked.