Writers Bullpen

I am really expecting this movie to go over a lot of heads only because I have realized over the years that many people don't get satire.  With Writers Bullpen Jonathan Morgan satireized everything about porn from the cliches to the cheesy plots that rarely make sense.

As Writers Bullpen opens the studio’s writers, played by Tommy Gunn and Chris Cannon (who were hysterical in their parts) are writing their next masterpiece of a script.  Alexis Texas is sitting on her couch masturbating with a milk bottle when who comes to do the door but milkman Mr. Pete. 


Oh yes, the typical horny housewife and the delivery guy cliche.  Tommy and Chris are debating what sort of milk reference to use at the end of the scene when a studio executive comes in with contract star Kaylani Lei.  Her numbers are in the toilet and it’s up to the writers to write something, with her help, and fix this.  After all, the holiday movie they wrote for her the critics hated.

Kaylani grabs their notes and starts reading them.  Every over used porn cliche involving a delivery guy has been noted.  Kaylani informs them that guys jacking off to a movie don’t want to fantasize about their wife doing the delivery guy who shows up.  Something different is needed and she has the perfect idea and it starts with a cavewoman (Kaylani)  and her mate (Rocco Reed - who really isn’t rugged looking enough to make a believable looking caveman)  having hot cave sex.


Chris and Tommy have a few questions.  Does the cavewoman speak English or Neanderthal?  People rubbing one off to a movie don’t want subtitles.  What is her name?  Turns out the cavewoman’s name is Candy.

Candy’s mate gets killed by a dinosaur (since the budget is horribly limited the dinosaur is a child’s toy - in fact I think we have that same dinosaur in the house) as two cavemen (John West and Anthony Rosano) are getting abducted by a hot alien woman(Kagney Linn Karter).  Chris and Tommy were just as worried as I was that there was going to be anal probing of the cavemen involved and it turns out that the alien woman wants probed.


The aliens have set loose cyborgs on the planet to kill Candy.  The only thing she has at her disposal to escape the cyborg is her kung fu skills.

At this point Tommy and Chris ask about how sex is going to fit into this scene.  Kaylani wants to know what is with the sex.  “Well, it’s a porno.”  Kaylani tells them that sex will just cheapen the scene and they have to promise no stupid shit.

Yea…okay…

No stupid shit.  After escaping the cyborg, Candy happens upon two cowboys.  Yes, I said cowboys.  This is where Tommy and Chris get to write themselves into the script.  She doesn’t care about the details of the cowboys because “cowboys are cowboys.” 


Naturally Candy gets it on with the cowboys and then the cyborg shows up again, killing them, because Candy has to suffer more and the audience needs to empathize with her.

Candy is smart though.  Really really smart, and discovers that the only way to defeat the cyborg is with a virus so she gets together with a couple of scientists (Alektra Blue and Chris Johnson) and engineer a virus to defeat the cyborg, but not before they have sex in the lab.


As Kaylani leaves she tells the guys that she trusts them and  leaves them to write the script even though they have no idea if they can pull this off.  As the movie ends she ends up getting an award for the movie.

Cavemen, cowboys and cyborgs all in the same movie.  I know it sounds absurd, and on some level it is and I believe it’s meant to be, but it works and it’s funny.  I am also convinced that if any other writer/director had tried to combine the three (with the exception of Antonio Passolini who is no longer making movies) they would have failed.  It’s movies like this that keep people from fast forwarding through everything that isn’t sex.  This movie almost makes you want to fast forward through the sex to see what the next off the wall plot idea is going to be that Kayalni comes up with.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I am looking forward to whatever movie Jonathan Morgan comes up with next.